Little bickering

Woahhhh.
Feel like puking now.
Extremely full ttm due unforeseen circumstances.

Not that I chose to be this 'full', but it's argh..
Shall update later.

Super duper uncomfortable now.

Wasted A Good Day

Planned to wak up at 8am to do revision for ECD's test tomorrow.


=(


Ended up waking around 1030am due to TQ's smses.


LOl.


She's a little tiny classmate of mine whom is kinda abit naggy at times.


But that's just her.


She has her virtues and traits which I am happy for.


But she also does has her temper which could be irritable for.


LOL.


Anyway, she's one girl whom is kinda similar towards me.


Somehow or rather, I do know what's on her mind on n off.


So i'll tell her what to do n so.


So does she. Telling me this and that.. So and so.


Cute her.


=D


Anyway, her texts were about my illness.


It did bothered her and she went and did a massive research.


I told her about the fact my mum and step mum being against to surgery.


Dad swaying towards the Chinese physician, and my constraints.


TQ did highlighted the risks and worries I had.


Risk: Losing voice, cutting of calcium vein and relapse.


Constraints: Sch. (FYP, Presentations & Tests)


Mainly, $$ too.


Cos I will be using Dad's medisave to help me tide it over.


But currently, their mindset = TCM & 'assurance' from the China Chinese Physician.


I have no choice but to risk it.


Hopefully, it's gonna be reduced or cured by him.


Else I am definitely fearing for the worst which the Doc said that, "It may or may not grow further which happened to a elderly lady.. Growth of 12cm till her neckline. By then, it'll be the risk of health / Life."


=(


*God, please bless me for this.

Alright. I have to start mugging for tomorrow's test now.


Else I'll def drag my time further by dozing off again. =(

MC

Didn't wanna put the title relating to what I did earlier for the fear of people googling on the topic which draws them to my blog.

.....

Went and consult a private doc yesterday for MC (2days).

Was hushed to get plentiful of rest due to my condition and to refrain from stressing myself further.

.....

Basically, I slept the entire day yesteday..

And I woke up early for work today.

Was late for reporting at 9am.. Had to send Ah Bee to Step Grandpa's place for yeye to take care of him..

Kinda lied to uncle saying that 'my friend' was waiting for me at Jurong East Station thus I wont be taking his ride to sch.

Stupid me.

I didnt have the courage to tell him truth that I skipped school for work.

I just didnt want to disappoint him.

But I still did.

Argh.

Stupid S.

Sighs.

Alright. Went to work and was kinda nervous when we was asked to go up onto the stage to showcast our new uniforms.

Photoshoot by the press made me more panicky when I was told to take pic with Ant.

Thank god everything went fast.

But I tink the end results of photos might look bad cos my lips were shivering then!

LOL.

Went and tried the white wine.. Oh my.. It really tasted bland.

But the red wine was.. wowww.. nice.

Too bad I had to finish it fast cos the rest were heading back to resting room.


Had a surprise by him again appearing around workplace.

Initial plan of meeting my beloved Mati`foo was cancelled cos she fell ill.

I wonder how is she now. =

Yup. Ended up accompanying him for his brunch, caught X-men at Kallang FlimGarde Theatre (My 1st time! and the sound system kinda sucky with running tunes)

Had vegetarian food for dinner which i kinda boasted, but ended soso.

Cos the usual male cook wasnt working.

Boo.

He acc-ed me back home and he left for home shortly.

Dont know why.

I knocked out again after resting bits..

Goodness.

Woke up around midnight by severe diarhhea.

Booo.

.....

Rested back on bed..

Thoughts: I am still not ready for a relationship.. ..... Sighs.

Father's Day 2011

I am kinda slow when it comes to thinking for a title for a blogpost.
Cos i need time to think which word is appropriate for the post.
And normally I take up alot of time thinking / finding the suitable one which matches my feelings.

I have forgotten to blog that, yesterday..
He came to my void deck waiting for me from 8pm.
Had a long chat and teary ones.

He did pointed out one flaw the both of us have.
"Bottling up of feelings during relationship process.
And when it comes to quarrelling / bickering,
that's when the bottle burst and both of us are ..... w it."

The end conclusion?
I told him I needed some private time, and at certain point, I really wanted to have a clean break from all.

I just wanted my peace and tranquility back.

He refused to accept the break, hushing me to relax and urging me to re-consider it all.

Part of me do loves him, but another part of me is tired. =(

sighs.


Anyway, It's Father's Day today.

Kinda emotional one for me though.

Dad & Aunt Eileen came over to my place to pass me the cyclinder which the chinese physician has 'ordered' us to do daily.

Headed to the opposite hawker centre to have a good breakfast.

It's been a long while since I had a meal with both of them.

Aunt Eileen shared alot of personal views on my illness..
We spoke quite alot.. but I got kinda emotional when she asked..

"Whether I still blame Dad for leaving me then.."

My heart sank.

I told her the truth.

When I was young, I did blame Dad for leaving me.

If he didnt left,

- I wouldn't have to face the fact that I recall both him n mum outside the court fighting for my custody.

- I wouldn't have my left knee's injured due to his disappearance to Taiwan. (Which caused mum's emotion to went hay-wired = leading to my bad fall.)

- I didnt have to face the hardship of being forced to mature at a young age alone.

- I didnt have a complete family and I envy others whenever I sees them.

- I didnt have to shuffle between both houses from Yishun to Hillview.

- I didnt have to face people I didnt like and receive harsh treatments around.

- I didnt have to shut myself off and think that no one loves me.

- I didnt have to think that no one really cares cos both mum and dad remarried to their spouses and none concerned much about me.

- I wouldn't have stress at young tender age.

- I wouldn't have to support my own living expenses.

- I wouldn't have to start working full time after "O" levels if they would be able to support me for my re-examinations.

- I wouldn't have to slog out for Polytechnic fees on my own.

- I wouldn't have to pay braces on my own.

- I wouldn't have to face the fact my parent cares more about themselves then towards me for my health, studies, wealth and etc. =(

- I wouldnt have gotten depression, extreme stress and all.

And..

- I wouldn't have the chance to enjoy a full complete family love.

.....


Okay. I didn't tell her either of these at all.

I just told her I did blame him when i was young due to immaturity.

But now that I am older, i understand their needs.

Thus I am fine.

It's my life and i accept it.

Just that that past experience have brought me a negative setback which I tends to shut people off my life easily whenever I face negative issues.

I am still, trying to overcome it.

...........

I doubt I will be able to overcome this childhood ordeal.

On my way on train, I couldn't help but to tear.

And I sure looked kinda sick when I arrived at work.

I tweeted,

好久没和老爸一起吃饭了。。今天是以二十四年以来。。第一次向家人说出年小时候的真心话。。眼泪都快要流出来了。。好想对老爸说。。“爸，别为以前的事而自责了。。我已经长大和想通了。不要为我而感到内疚。你永远还是我的亲爱老爸。

.....

Gf & Xx replied with love & smiley.

=)

Dozed off after I have reached home from work..

And the msg I tweeted kinda bugged me.

Why can't I forward it to Dad?

.....

I hestitated for a long period.

And I braved my courage..

Copy and paste to Dad..

Shortly, his reply was.. "Haha.. After work, Go home sleep lah.."

=)

*breathes in deeply..
*breathes out deeply..

Sighs..

I am speechless now..

Confusion

Supposed to drink the last packet of medicine I brewed.
But the lethargic S went and dozed off.
Result: Burnt medicine.

Booo.


Supposed to meet dad at 9am but i overslept.

Aunt Eileen found another Chinese Physician at De Souza avenue.

I gotta admit that this china Chinese physician is much more communicative and sharing.

He spotted all the thyroid dysfunction signs which I am currently facing.

Insomnia. Irregular mens period. Cold intolerance. Hand n feets numbness. Etc.

I was told to lay on the bed to do a neck rotation exercise on a 3.5inch round cylinder.

Seriously, it did hurt my neck when I was doing the 40turn exercises.

And I gotta do it daily before 1030am. Cos in china, after 1030am is considered as 午时. To us sgreans, it's still as morning hours.

The neck rotation exercise is supposedly good for people whom are glued to the comp / mobile phones.

Insomnia reason: I only can sleep sideway due comfortability in neck posture during daytime. Bending neck downwards instead of sitting upright.

Neck hurts especially on the right side. Cos thyroid was suppressing on my nerves and veins which causes the difficulty in breathing and heart thumping fast, problems in food swallowing which leads to indigestion and intestine problems.


Aunt eileen is definitely convinced by him, and dad whom was supporting me initially for operation.. Ended up swaying to the traditional method.

I am currently set on medication to readjust my body to neutralize everything. Especially the timing of my mens.

Gotta revisit him in 2-3months time.

I am confused again. Cos the size of my thyroid is 6cm huge. Not a mere 2cm.


When aunt eileen asked him whether my condition could be cured. He say he wouldn't guarantee but he would try his best.

But he's definitely against the idea of surgery due side effects and relapse.

Which is my worries too. Plus cutting of calcium vein and losing of voice.

It's gonna be a gamble to risk. Either to test for 6-9months. Which the end result is around nov-Jan/feb.

Will my condition improved then?

....

I don't know.

17th June 2011

It's 0321hours now.

Body's clock totally haywired with all the insomnia.

=(

I didnt attend sch today cos I was having fever.

Partly cos, I didnt like AM Module's *ahem.

I helped mum babysit baby bro for the day! =D

Kinda bonded with James more recently.

Wanna try not to let him feel left out or misled by any possible bad learnings he could pick up anywhere.

Oh ya. Visited the usual clinic 2 bus stop away from my place.

But it wasnt the usual doc I saw earlier.

He's kinda more professional and I kinda like the way he protrayed his intelligence and knowledge about my condition.

He warned me of my illness which could burst any moments, and highly suggested me to go for another blood test to update the condition.

Else I might not even be able to go through the surgery at all.

*shivers.

-_-"

......

But, with all the FYP, UT, Daily gradings and stuffs.

It's really hard for me to consider 2 weeks mc and the sch system = PRESENTATION!

I gotta be vocal and communicative to my classmates in order to get at least a Grade B.

=(

I wanna pull up my GPA so badly that I am so scared any absence or poor performance of mine will jeopardize the goal of pulling up my overall gpa.

Arrrggghhh..

I gotta pull up my socks and work harder!!

*bite lips.



*****************************

Time check: 1518hours

Met up with FYP Supervisor earlier and was tasked to be Team Leader.

=( Additional Stress to whole the team's performance and responsibility!

Goodness.

BL could have continue his role smoothly! =(

Anddd!

My tummy is aching ttm now.

It's one of the rarest time my tummy is aching so badly due to mens cramp.

Goodness.

It's so taxing till i can feel i am on the verge of fainting.

*Body: Please be strong.. be strong... *prays

=(

Managed to fill up all the blanks for CCM Module Test.

Hopefully I will be able to attain the grade I am hoping for.

Gotta thank faci for his pointers given during workshop.

I could see what kind of results faci would expect from me.

This would definitely put pressures on me.

Hopefully I will not disappoint him for this semester.


....

On a side note, we haven spoke for a week.

I am telling myself, since both of us are unable to understand one another's stand..

This relationship, might head for no where.

Personal thoughts: Since he's unable to endure my current flactuating condition, (even though I tried to be ease at all times), what's worse if we really gets married. Pregnancy and so.

I'd bet my condition could be worse (or maybe better - which I doubt so) than now.

His incapability and my low threshold for his actions.

After so long, it's only up to heaven's will to bet whether we will be able to pull through this.

But I am giving myself a period.

If, by a certain period he still does not contacts me.

It will be the end of all.

I dont need a man like this.


恋爱刚开始的时候，两人会抓着彼此的手。
但放开一只手的话，好像就结束了。


***************************************************


To find someone, whom could truly understand one another takes a strong will, patience and love.

Especially with such childhood upbringing like mine.

Never will I allow my future kids to go through the same torments as I did before.

“四是被父母抛弃。也许父母离婚、死亡，把你送人领养；也许是情感上的疏离，虽有父母，却对你不闻不问。觉得被父母抛弃的人，往往很难给予承诺，这是他们保护自己的方法，因为他们不希望再度被心爱的人抛弃，没有安全感，占有欲很强，不能信任人。被父母抛弃的孩子长大会面临一个很严重的问题，就是病态依赖。你有没有认识道歉个不停的人？这种人很难跟你沟通，很难信任你，也很容易染上瘾头，用这种方式来面对压力。”


********************************************

New

Decided to remove all past post and re-blog for a new start.

Cos.. I really need a space to vent all my emotions to.

Supposed to be mugging for CCM Module now.

Am having test in the evening later.

But.

I do not have any moods to study at all.

It sucks to be going through all these alone.

When one expects another would care, I got cold treatments instead.

Sighs.

My condition is getting worse.


And I can felt it through;


- Shortness of Breath
- Fatigue and weakness
- Low Basal climate characteristics (Cold Intolerance)
- Dry and Base Skin
- Hair Loss
- Cold hands & feets
- Weight gain
- Insomnia
- Sweating
- Constipation
- Depression
- Poor Memory, Forgetfulness, Dementia
- Nervousness and tremors
- Immune System Problems



These are the symptoms which have occurred to me.


Didnt wanna post those which didnt occur to me.. yet.


As day passes, the symptoms are getting stronger. =(


With all these issues.. it's definitely affecting my life..


I cant focus well and my concentration level is getting low.



I wonder would my body be able to endure till September.


Please do so body..



Thinking back..


For the risk of surgery would be cutting of calcium vein (they will do so) and risk of voice changing..


I really do not want that to happen.


But my condition.. seems to be getting for the worse.


Please body, heal yourself.

I will try and take care of you more often. =(


*tears..